


The Three Times Perry Punched Peter (And The One Time He Didn't)

by KTKeen96



Category: Phineas and Ferb
Genre: But I mean it really was necessary, M/M, Only hints of Perryshimirtz, human!perry, human!peter, mild swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-17
Updated: 2018-04-17
Packaged: 2019-04-24 01:28:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,483
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14345106
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KTKeen96/pseuds/KTKeen96
Summary: Perry the secret agent was a creature of habit. Sure, he enjoyed a new adventure, and perhaps a new way of breaking down his nemesis’s door every now and then, but other than that, he had a routine. His coffee was always black, he always put the right sock and the right shoe on first, and he never missed his evening run.So when Perry arrived to find that Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz was miles ahead of their usual work routine, the agent was definitely confused.





	The Three Times Perry Punched Peter (And The One Time He Didn't)

**Author's Note:**

> Fun little Perry and Peter relationship drabble that I wrote. Only Perryshmirtz involved.

1.

Perry the secret agent was a creature of habit. Sure, he enjoyed a new adventure, and perhaps a new way of breaking down his nemesis’s door every now and then, but other than that, he had a routine. His coffee was always black, he always put the right sock and the right shoe on first, and he never missed his evening run. 

So when Perry arrived to find that Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz was miles ahead of their usual work routine, the agent was definitely confused. 

It wasn’t so much the hand print on his nemesis’s cheek, or the weird rustling in his closet that had Perry so upset. It was more the fact that Heinz didn’t even have the guts to tell him what was going on up front. 

“It’s not what you think! We’re not enemies, we’re just.. bad friends !”

Perry pulled open the closet door with a bang. He came face to face with a man he was sure he’d seen before, but couldn’t quite place. Peter had long black hair tied behind him in a loose pony tail, with two full sleeves of tattoos and a subtle smirk that made Perry’s blood boil. 

A silent pause echoed through the heightened walls of Doofenshmirtz’s apartment. Perry simply stared in the strange man’s eyes, hands flexing in thinly controlled emotion. Heinz must have noticed the tension, because he finally let out a long sigh and dropped his guarded expression.

“It's not that I don't hate you anymore, Perry. I do, but look, I just think it's time for us to, you know, take a break and start fighting other people.”

Perry finally had the guts to look his nemesis in the eye. What he saw pulled every last string in his heart. It was pure reservation; Heinz had clearly moved on with his life without bothering to let him know. Perry mentally grabbed every piece of control he had, and steeled his expression. 

“Alright, then.”

And he walked out, slamming the door shut, without looking back. 

And to make matters worse, Danville was drenched in heavy rain by the time he walked out. The agent pushed himself into his car and sped off to headquarters, replaying the last few minutes over and over and over. 

Who did this strange new agent think he was? It was _completely_ against protocol to steal a nemesis like that. Very unprofessional. Perry felt all the blood begin rushing to his head as he steamed in the unfairness of it all. 

As soon as he got to headquarters, he logged in and looked up Peter in the O.W.C.A. database. There he was; Peter Gunn. Former military man, joined the agency about six years ago, currently residing in Seattle with a nemesis named Professor Mystery. Perry scoffed as he skimmed through the documents. What was this bastard doing in Danville? 

Grabbing his fedora, Perry decided it was high time he found out. 

Peter wasn’t very hard to find. The O.W.C.A. database showed his travel information and where he’d be staying while visiting Danville, although it never specifically stated what he was doing in Danville in the first place. Perry found his hotel room with ease, and knocked on the door.

After a moment, the door opened about a half inch. Filled with contempt, Perry didn’t wait for the hello, and pushed through, punching Peter square in the nose. The agent tumbled backwards, stunned, and swallowed a cry as blood poured down his face and onto his lips. 

“You bi’ch.” The man grumbled, grabbing a towel. “What do you think you’re doing?”

Perry snarled. “Finding out what the _hell_ is going on, that’s what I’m doing. What, you think you can just jump on someone’s nemesis like it’s a popularity contest?”

Peter chuckled, seating himself on the edge of the hotel bed. “Someone’s a bi’ jealous, huh?”

Perry growled. “Don’t. I want you to haul your ass back to Seattle and leave my life alone, got it? Or it’ll get worse than just a bloody nose.”

“Wow, threats? Someone’s _really_ jealous.” Peter grinned, leaning his head back. “‘ell me, Perry, why do you care so much?”

The teal-haired man could feel his cheeks burning. Secretly, he was enraged because it seemed like no matter what he did, he was never good enough. For anybody, not even his nemesis. But he wasn’t going to admit that. 

Instead, the agent advanced on Peter as if he was going to land another blow. 

“Whoa, whoa! Alright, I’m sorry. Look, I didn’t mean for any of this to happen.”

“Why do I not believe you? I read your profile.” Perry growled, taking another step closer. “You’re concise and crafty. There’s no way this was a mistake.”

Peter held up a free hand, removing the towel from his nose and cringing. “You’re right, it wasn’t a mistake. I intentionally sought out Heinz in Seattle and foiled his scheme. I just wanted to see what he was like.”

“Why him?”

“Because you’re O.W.C.A.’s top agent. Well, second to me.” The man chuckled. “I wanted to know why an agent of your status has been happy with him for so long. I just, had to fight him one more time to be sure.”

Perry shifted, eyes the agent up and down. “And your results?”

“He’s an idiot. But an unpredictable one.”

The teal-haired agent raised an eyebrow. “He puts a self-destruct button on _everything._ ”

“Yes, but when you have a nemesis that literally pretends he’s a character in a ninja movie and thinks you can just read his mind, the obvious self-destruct buttons become a welcomed reality.”

“Hm. That bad, huh?”

Peter rolled his eyes. “Look, I’ll back off, so you can stop acting all territorial. I got my answers.”

Perry nodded, still slightly wary, but satisfied enough to back away without any further comment. 

~o~o~o~o~o~o~

2.

Seattle is a miserable mess. Perry really couldn’t understand why anyone would chose to live there. 

Of course, it seemed to be the type of weather that Doofenshmirtz was addicted to- dark, sad, and gloomy- so it wasn’t surprising when Perry was given the assignment to track his nemesis down in a coffee shop deep inside of the city limits. 

It _was_ surprising to see the man run out of the coffee shop, white as a sheet, and manage to collide them both into Peter, who had stepped outside with two cups of espresso in his hand to see what all the fuss was about. 

“Oh Perry, how long have you been... and look at that, it's, it's Peter, my ex-nemesis, what a coincidence, huh?”

Perry glanced between the two, enraged and unsure what to think. It’d only been a couple months since Peter had promised to back off. Trust the man not to keep his word, or try to blow these little excursions off like they were nothing. 

Of course, before Perry could really confront either of them, Doofenshmirtz drank a weird potion, turning him tiny, and an alien and Perry’s host family were bouncing through the city, each trying to grab the scientist. Peter and Perry gave each other a tired look; they knew this was going to drag on for awhile. 

“We can use my hover car.” Peter had simply responded, pushing a car key button, alerting the hover car to their location. Both agents jumped in and zoomed past the aliens, successfully grabbing Heinz. 

However, it wasn’t long before the aliens managed to throw them off and recover Heinz, flying off with him in tow. 

Peter somehow managed to keep the aircraft from killing both of them in the crash back to earth. After tumbling a few feet, both agents pried themselves out of the hover car and blinked against the strong daylight. 

Then Perry punched Peter in the face. 

“ _OW._ ” Peter snarled, before pouncing and punching Perry back. 

The teal-haired man grimaced, feeling pain rush up through his chin and into his head. 

“You _bastard_ -“

“Okay, enough!” Peter cried, dodging Perry’s next blow. “We aren’t going to find Heinz this way!”

“Heinz? It’s _Heinz,_ now? Jeez, what are you two _doing_ up here? If I didn’t know any better I’d say you were both renting the same hotel room-“

“Shut. Up. It’s not like that.” Peter crossed his arms.

“What is it, then?”

Peter’s face was burning red. “He asked if we could go get coffee. I thought maybe he wanted answers about why I suddenly disappeared, and I figured it was the least I could do, all things considered..”

Perry scoffed, rubbing his hands against his head. “Whatever. Let’s just worry about getting him back in one piece.”

~o~o~o~o~o~o~

3.

Perry had enjoyed a few solid weeks with life and his routine as normal, before encountering another strange scene. Doofenshmirtz Evil Inc., usually alive with the clinking and clanging of metal parts, was completely silent and drenched in pitch blackness. Perry investigated each section of the living room, using the clues available to play out whatever had happened to Dr. D. hours prior. 

He’d been kidnapped, that much was certain. But by who?

The man happened to look downwards and discovered a set of footprints, leading both in and out of the apartment. He collected a fiber sample and called in another agent to deliver evidence to headquarters. It didn’t take long to receive a call from Carl. 

“We've analyzed the mud and there seems to be a large number of caffeine molecules in there. Along with some rain water.”

Major Monogram sighed. “So our only leads are coffee and the rainy climate. That could be anywhere!”

Perry’s eyes widened, and he let out a deep sigh. No, it couldn’t be just anywhere, because it was Perry’s luck that Doofenshmirtz was exactly where Perry thought he was. Sickeningly, Seattle was actually starting to become a regular destination on his GPS. 

The agent’s first thought was that Peter had something to do with the kidnapping, but as much as an annoyance as Peter was, kidnapping an evil scientist wasn’t like him. 

Perry was already airborne when he received the call. 

“I got a weird assignment. Major Monogram contacted my handler about a possible abduction?”

Peter’s voice was strained, almost hesitant. Perry could tell that the man was actually a bit worried, which was quite unusual for his cocky personality. 

“I’m already headed your way. They think your nemesis kidnapped mine.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know, he’s _your_ nemesis!”

“Look, I’m infiltrating. And please, when you get here, try to stay out of my way.”

Perry snarled as the call dropped. The man was an absolute idiot. 

It didn’t take long for the teal-haired man to reach Professor Mystery’s lair. He immediately climbed up the front wall and peered into a glass opening in the ceiling. Peter was on top of Professor Mystery, landing him a series of punches. And Heinz, restrained inside a cylinder container, was at the mercy of the giant machine that was pointed his direction. Perry wasted no time in breaking through the glass and landing on the butt of the device, redirecting it’s ray up into the sky. 

This sent Peter into further action, grabbing the professor and throwing him against the wall, while Perry worked at Heinz’s complicated restraints. It was no time at all before the two agents had Professor Mystery surrounded, and the machine dismantled. 

Peter had the professor handcuffed to a table, awaiting his demise. 

“Are you going to report him?” Perry questioned.

Peter looked up from his communicator, glancing back and forth between his nemesis and the agent. “Don’t I have to?”

Perry growled, and landed him a solid punch against the shoulder. “Do I really have to spell this out to you, too?”

Peter sighed, putting down his communicator. “I guess I can let it slip this time.”

“Once he opens up, I promise, you’ll have what Heinz and I have.”

Peter raised an eyebrow, grinning mischievously. “So it’s Heinz, now?”

“Don’t make me punch you again.”

Peter uncuffed Professor Mystery and offered a hand up. Perry smiled to himself as the two made their way out the door, not even bothered by the light sprinkling of rain. Heinz and Perry glanced at each other before following. 

It was strange, seeing Peter in a coffee shop with his own nemesis. But it seemed that for the first time, they were actually communicating. Maybe the whole adventure hadn’t been such a bad thing after all.

“Come on, Perry. Let's go home. I talk to you enough, right? Yeah, you're right. Maybe too much.”

Perry smiled. Yes, it’d been a good day after all. 

~o~o~o~o~o~o~

4\. 

When Perry had been invited to Seattle for a coffee break, he’d been more than a little surprised. A whole summer had passed, with fall crisply breaking through summer’s heat like a fired bullet, and Perry hadn’t heard from the black-haired agent. 

Peter was looking good. He’d tanned quite a bit, and probably added a few more tattoos to his already extensive collection. 

The coffee shop lay quiet in the pouring rain. But this time, Perry didn’t find the atmosphere gloomy. It was more homely, than anything else. Maybe that’s why people liked it so much. 

“I wanted to thank you.” Peter started, taking a sip of his coffee.  
  
“For?..”

“Letting me study Heinz. I know I’m a pain in the ass, but I know you’re a bigger one, so I appreciate it.”

Perry snorted. “I’m still not quite sure that was a compliment.”

Peter grinned and lifted his cup. “Cheers.”

“So.. has Professor Mystery been opening up more?”

“Well, it’s better than it was. At least there’s adrenaline involved. And his ass is quite fun to kick around.”  
  
“You’re disgusting.”

“Please. As if I’m the only one who breaks protocol. You know, I think I finally found out why you were so angry the first time we met.”

Perry raised an eyebrow. “Because you’re a dick?”

“Ha. No. I think that you have a secret crush on Heinz, and I was intruding. You _like_ him.”

Perry cringed. “I do not.”

“You do.”

The teal-haired man moved to react, ready to pounce and punch the agent in the face. Peter jerked back, waiting for the impact despite the teasing gleam in his eyes. But the blow never came. Instead, Perry schooled his expression and forced himself not to make an impulse move. 

“I hate you sometimes, you know that?”

Peter laughed. “You don’t deny the crush!”

Perry grinned, setting down his coffee and looking Peter square in the eyes. “Too bad you’ll never know, huh? Thanks for the coffee.” With a smirk, he stood and exited the building, only glimpsing at the agitated look on Peter’s face. 

Oh, frenemies were almost more amusing than nemeses.


End file.
